Disgraced? I think not.

My return to Manila was unplanned. With just a backpack and a couple changes of clothes, I left China on board the first flight out four weeks ago to get my visa sorted. Little did I know that the day I left was to be my last day in the country.

To make the long story short, I didn’t get the visa I had hoped to get, and to top it off, I had to immediately resign from my job and join the unemployment bandwagon three months before the wedding. My life was in pieces, my mind was a mess but after a couple of days grieving over what happened, I realized I could either get pulled under the surf or paddle to, and ride the wave. Armed with messages from my daily devotions, I started my mission to pick up the pieces of my broken pride- yes, not my life, but my pride.

I was going through the life of the prophet Elisha and, what the author labeled, his ‘ridiculous faith’ in my daily devotions during that trying week. I was taught never to take anything as a coincidence, that everything happens according to God’s plan. It was a statement that I found difficult to embrace. I was at a point in my life when I thought I had everything sorted. Michael and I had our suppliers booked for the wedding, our plans of a life together were as rosy as it could ever be, but just when I thought all was going according to MY plan, the floor I so carefully built collapsed from under my feet. My life was in ruins, and I was expected take it all in stride.

Going through my Bible plan was painful. Tears were always present as I asked God to help me understand my situation. I asked for His grace to help me overcome my doubts and disbelief. Then a reflection on 2 Kings 6:1-7 brought me to my senses. God sometimes takes away something important from us to make us realize that we’ve gone off-course, then lead us back on track to where we can reclaim our ‘ax head’. Today, I think I’ve started to recognize what He wants me to regain, and with this realization came a promise and a reminder that He has always been there for my needs, and He will ALWAYS be there to meet my needs, no matter how big or small they may be.

I also was made aware that my life is not in ruins, as I first thought it was. It was my pride that was in tatters. I feared what people would think when they learned of what happened, I feared the judgmental stares, the hushed whispers behind my back. I feared basically what I would have done if the situation was reversed. I was reminded of how unholy and selfish I am, how immature my outlook has been.

This post is my white flag. I am surrendering to my heavenly Father, finally doing what I should have done 20 years ago on a summer camp consecration night when I offered my life to God for His service.

I am now at peace, assured, that with Christ as the captain of my ship, I am headed to victory.

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