The post below was originally posted at my first blog in LJ. Funny I found this after a little googling. Still can’t understand how emo I got here, but it’s a fun read anyway, and yeah, I did laugh at what I wrote 7 years ago, January 1, 2006 to be exact.
The day started out quite well. I left work early, eager to catch some sun after eight hours of centralized air conditioning. The friends and I decided to catch some munchies before going home so we went into this bee-licious food chain and got to talk about Sagada and the three brief days of bliss that we spent there. We talked about the place till we got on the bus and then, it started.
As I sat on a worn out seat of the stinking bus, my gaze went out to the passing cityscape. Buildings obstructed my view of the sky and pedestrians busily hurried to work. Everything came back to me like I was walking through my own past. I remembered my elementary school days… I decided that i envy the time that the child I was, had back then. The only stress I felt then was the pressure to be academically good which was not at all hard (smartypants!). Everyone was so proud of me… Teachers would haggle over me to represent their subject in whatever competition would come along. Ha! I was the STAR!
Then high school started and that was when my eyes were opened. I saw the world for what it really was- a place where people would talk to you simply because you have something they want. It was then that i noticed that not all kids my age think the same way. I met someone who could never leave the classroom without powdering her nose. I became friends with a grouchy tomboy who fancied herself in love with Jean Valjean and Kenshin Himura. I met a lot of people, but none like me at all…conceited b*tch that I was.
High school was when I decided that I didn’t want to be part of the honor roll. I’ve had more than enough share of recognitions back in elementary, I thought. So I did what other kids did, cut classes, pass late papers, neglect homework.. etc. I even had my fair share of the get-your-parents-into-my-office-tomorrow affairs. I had such a nice time in high school but I never could find anything fulfilling about it. I was one of the officers in this little exclusive club of the school elites and the adviser actually DID like me. I thought I had found my niche, but I was wrong. There was still that nagging doubt at the pit of my stomach that I’m not doing exactly what I should. I felt that I could do a whole lot better than this.
College came and that search for satisfaction turned into apathy. I resigned myself to the fact that nobody could understand the way I felt. I met kids my age who spent more money in one day than I did during my entire secondary schooling. I struggled for acceptance, to find friends of my own. I tried to fit into different groups till I found the closest one I can call my own. Still, I was not satisfied. I felt that what I was then was mediocrity in its purest form. I searched, looked, discovered, discarded, delved… Still I end up back where I started with no clear clue as to where I was going to.
It’s the same as that feeling on a bus. Every time I travel, I just can’t wait to hop onto the vehicle and hear the motor running. But once my destination draws near, I find myself wishing that the trip would never end, that I could just go on and on like that…
Then, a vendor’s spiel broke my reverie. I was brought down to earth with a thud. I am too old to spend time dreaming on these things.